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#MensWorkEdition
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Alok Vaid-Menon
#MensWorkEdition
This April, we’re celebrating all things love and care. Our assembly, taking place across the month, centers community care systems, hoping to answer the question: What would it take for Boston to care for the most marginalized people in our communities? Care means something different to everyone, but it remains the bedrock of a vibrant and connected solidarity economy.
In this edition of the WIRE, writer and Ujima community member, Lawrence Barriner II explores what men can gain from removing the shackles of sexism and misogyny.
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i want access to liberation for all people in my life. this includes women, femmes, and nonbinary folx in my life because they experience some of the worst effects of sexism and misogyny.
quick note about binaries: i am increasingly aware (due to many sources but especially alok vaid-menon) that both gender and sex are fluid (spectrums), and not either/or (binaries). to save on words in this piece, sometimes i’ll use binary language and sometimes i’ll use more inclusive/full spectrum language. but don’t let my limited/fumbling language confuse you; the spectrums are present all the time.
i want my own liberation. sexism and misogyny limit me too. how do i know this? because i thinkany type of oppression negatively impacts people on all sides of it, even as it offers material benefits to some people trapped in it.
for example, in all of my experience and work around racism, it’s obvious to me that racism clearly and directly harms and destroys lives and possibilities for Black people, Indigenous people, and people of color. it is also clear to me (though sometimes less immediately obvious) how it destroys the inner humanity of white people. and it is that inner destruction that allows the outer destruction of others. and so, as the aboriginal adage teaches us, i don’t want white people to end racism only because it’s good for me. i want them to end it because it’s good for all of us.
i think sexism and misogyny are the same. except this time, as a cis-gender man, i am the one the system supposes to benefit. as hooks says, the first violence of patriarchy happens inside of me.
before i get going too far too fast, let me take a quick detour into some definitions.
prejudice: preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience
sexism: prejudice against women on the basis of sex.
misogyny: “the law enforcement branch of patriarchy… it’s about controlling and punishing women who challenge male dominance. Misogyny rewards women who reinforce the status quo and punishes those who don’t." — kate manne.
patriarchy: "Patriarchy is a political-social system that insists that males are inherently dominating, superior to everything and everyone deemed weak, especially females…" — bell hooks, understanding patriarchy
i love definitions and can stay defining things forever, sometimes to my detriment! so to weave these definitions together and keep it moving, here's what i think is most important: As kate manne and sean illing explore, "sexism is the ideology that supports patriarchal social relations, but misogyny enforces it when there’s a threat of that system going away."
as i think back to liberation, while it has taken me years to dig my way through, i do feel like i have found a number of reasons that help me understand why ending misogyny, sexism, and patriarchy benefit me: i want better relationships, more care, and more intimacy.
i want better relationships
what i want: better relationships in all sorts of directions: with adult women, men, and people of all genders, and also with children.
sexism tells me: women are good at relationships and men are bad.
misogyny enforces this by: making me think it’s okay to not learn or improve my relationship skills; shaming me when i try to connect with men; celebrating me when i have close relationships with women.
this puts undue pressure on women to hold relational space with men. this is true whether or not there is any romantic connection between the women and men in conversation (although this dynamic is more intense when that is also present). this means i tend to have weaker relationships with men than with women and my relationships with women are more likely to be ones in which i am cared for by them.
this plays out with children, too.
what i want: to be close with my blood and chosen family nibblings
sexism tells me: women are good with babies and men are bad or unsafe with them.
misogyny reinforces this by: assuming the men in the room shouldn’t, can’t, or are worse at doing things like changing diapers and soothing (or can only calm an upset child down with aggression or fear).
the number of times i have been in a room where there are people of all genders present and the moment a baby's diaper needs changing the men scatter, the women jump to action. no one calls anyone else out or in... phew! and rarely do i see anyone assume that men in the room should be the ones to tend to a child having a meltdown. that feels like a huge limitation on me! i want to be in there changing those diapers and i clearly see how this plays out in men who may not be well-connected to children in their early days. we just don’t learn how to relate in caring ways. which takes me to my next desire…
i want more and better care
what i want: more care to flow between me and individual friends and family as well as in communities i’m in.
sexism tells me: women are better at things like emotional and physical tending, cooking, and more.
misogyny enforces this by: telling me as a little boychild it’s more important to learn how to be strong than to be caring.
care is “the provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something.”
based on this definition, i haven't learned how to care well. from a very young age, i was given relatively little societal signaling that i should know how to care. when i talk to some men about this, they literally don’t understand what i mean when I ask, “how do you care for yourself or your friends?” thankfully, and counter to our societal conditions, my blood family encouraged some of those things in me. but without that... phew! where would i be?! and we start getting these messages from childhood. when little boys play, we encourage them to build things and be firefighters or heroes. when little girls play, we encourage them to caring mothers with their dolls and cook in little wooden kitchens.
this also means that me and the men in my life are devastatingly under-skilled at caring for ourselves and caring for each other. even those of us that are trying hard are decades behind. when people say male loneliness is killing men, part of what i hear is that men are lacking in care. as we dismantle sexist ideas about who is naturally better at care, we can start teaching ourselves and our children that everyone can be good at care. and the more care we have to give, the better.
This essay has been abridged. We invite you to explore the full piece on our Medium.
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Lawrence Barriner II (he/him) is a Black Queer coach, facilitator, narrative strategist, writer, and liberation worker based in Massachusetts who most values love, justice, community, and transformation.
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